Why me? Why this? Why now? Why not? Why bother? Why did this happen? …
We ask that question repeatedly to ourselves, to anyone who will listen, to the universe. Often screaming it so loud trying to find an answer that will respond back.
How does one even answer the said question?
Truth is, we will never know the answers to everything. No matter how much we want to.
I’ve decided to share my story in hopes that maybe you’ll find the courage and motivation to do something for yourself as well. To reflect on what you need rather than just going through the motions.
My story starts off like many of yours – a relatively normal childhood with both parents involved (until it all went downhill), that lost feeling that comes with teenage years + early adulthood, and the chaos + joy that marriage and motherhood brings.
I felt like finding a solid footing was something that would never happen for me. I have always felt lost… an outlier.
Appearances aside – life is hard. I made everything appear to be great to my friends, family, and acquaintances, when they weren’t so hot and I was slowly drowning in the past.
I’ve always suffered from extreme anxiety, self esteem/confidence issues, unresolved trauma, undiagnosed OCD + ADHD, and more. What I didn’t realize is how much it was impacting my health… and my entire life.
Last year, I was ready to do something about it instead of ruminating… and ruminating.
2022 became my year of health.
(I know it’s almost 2024 but I’m finally now ready to share. It’s been a long 2 years…)
The first thing I did was to find a therapist that I could talk to. A good portion of my childhood was hard (abandonment, alcoholism, endangerment, growing up way too early, caring for a sibling, etc.)
I was always deemed an “old soul”. Too shy/quiet. Too unlike others. Not pretty enough. Not social enough. Not “hip” enough. The one that always protected, but was never protected. The one that reached out when it was never reciprocated. The one that didn’t put myself out there for fear of being rejected (still working through that one…).
Looking back on my childhood experience, I know I’m not alone in those thoughts + feelings. A great lesson to be learned, even as adults, is that we NEVER know what someone is going (or has gone) through in their life. When you’ve been through tough shit, you learn to hide it pretty well, even from yourself.
And if you’ve triumphed over the hard shit, I applaud you wholeheartedly.
I found myself losing my temper more, being frustrated most of the time, and being lost at the sea when everyone else appeared to be not. I needed to start talking about the heaviness -or- it was going to continually eat away at my spirit.
THAT was the best thing I could have ever done. *Hands down.*
When we think of health, we automatically go towards physical health, but it’s so much deeper than that. We see the “quick” fixes that people post online and hear the “buzz words” like self-care, etc.
Some of us need more than that. More than just a recommendation to pack more things into our day that more can’t be packed into -or- doing things that not true to ourselves. For me, I’ll never be an early riser or a person that journals- I’ve tried and it just isn’t for me.
Prefacing this with I realize that not everyone wants to talk to a therapist. That’s the power of your individual journey – you do what’s best for you. You decide.
In my almost 2 years of therapy, there’s a few things that I’ve noticed that have come from it.
– Some therapy days are f*cking hard.
There are days I’ll come home and be in a funk the rest of the day. Sometimes, I cry. Sometimes, I’m angry (more on that to come). Sometimes, I feel empty like there’s no more I can give in that present moment.
Typically, I feel much better the next day. I just need time to decompress, reflect, or sweat it out.
– I’ve prioritized myself for the first time in my life.
Someone always needs something from me and having this time to work on myself has been selfishly amazing. I feel that now I can give more fully without feeling resentful. I’ve learned techniques that work for me and I’ve noticed a change in my life since implementing.
– I’m learning things about myself that I’ve never known -or- have disappeared over the years.
It’s been a slew of self-discovery and reshaping to learn what I find important. I love a good personality test or enneagram (5w4 here) and learning why I am the way that I am has been enlightening. Of course, there have been some new revelations and I’ve picked up some amazing hobbies and activities (both physical and mental) that have helped lead me on a personal journey.
– Our experiences have shaped who we’ve become, but our life does not have to be dictated by them.
I don’t remember most of my life after a certain point and my therapist asked me if I wanted to get my memories back. Good question, right?
I debated for a longggg time on this question. Would you want to get your memories back if they weren’t the kind of memories you’d want to remember?
I opted not to do the additional therapies and hypnosis for that. I’m comfortable with them lying in the back of my mind forever and not resurfacing. There are books I’ve read, podcasts I’ve listened to, and articles I’ve learned from that makes me comfortable in that decision.
– My physical health is significantly better.
Head meet body… more on that in Part Two! I think we can all relate to it to some degree.
Release the preconceived notions that therapy is baloney – but it never hurts to try something new and have a truly unpartisan third party to air your grievances to.
(Part two is incoming directly after this is posted …)
Simply Tamed 